ForDrayton.com

This morning I put the sand in Drayton’s new sandbox…We went for a short walk and when we returned we played in the sandbox. We had so much fun.

At some point before leaving to run grocery errands I asked him to go down the hall to the kitchen from our bedroom where his basket of shoes sits…I told him to grab his gray and blue velcro sandals so that we could go to the store.

He did EXACTLY what I asked of him.

He brought me back one shoe =)

In the mornings when I ask him if he wants to brush his teeth he sits down on the kitchen floor and says teeth and gets super excited.

Today while at the grocery store he noticed the balloons by the registers as we were headed down an aisle. I went up to the balloon lady and she filled one up for him. It was blue with a blue string.

Just yesterday when we were at toysrus the cashier gave him a mylar balloon. He played with it in the car and after he got this second one we came home and sent them to his brother in heaven.

Today would be the first time he would really understand what he was doing. I told him we were sendign it to brother in heaven. We watched as the mylar one got caught up in the tree (it said happy b-day anyway and it wasn’t Corbin nor Drayton’s b-day so maybe it is gonna stay in the tree) We watched as the blue one floated across the sky towards heaven.

Speaking of Corbin, I have been thinking and talking about him more recently than I have in some months. Don’t get me wrong I talk about him every day in some way like when we say goodnight to him (Blake and I) or when Drayton is poiting at his pic and wanting to kiss it.

Since I have had Drayton I have drastically changed how much I get emotional. I will always be sad but I am soo happy the same to have his precious brother here and I balance my emotions quite well and focus more I think on being grateful for the fact that I was blessed with this sweet angel Corbin and that I got to know him some and that rather then not ever have gotten to know I got to and that is better than not having had that precious chance.

Sooo while I am very happy and present myself perhaps as though I’ve moved on I could not do such a thing it’s unthinkable.

People appear to others one way but this can be rather different then what is really there.

Nobody ever mentions Corbin outside of Blake and Drayton and the kids sometimes. Sometimes I feel like people have forgotten about him all together which really saddens me.

I feel strongly that since he fought so hard to be here and passed away that his memory should be honored not only by his parents and siblings but by friends and family to some degree. By this I mean the occasional mentioning his name somehow…This is something the children in my family do well. As a matter of fact my niece Madison mentioned to me that she did a report for school and the objective was to focus on something that was personal to the student. Well Madi did her report on Corbin and Trisomy 9..Through our experience she educated other peers on the reality of birth defects something that I was never made aware of in my childhood.

Something that should be talked more about.

Well anyways…This meant soo much to me to hear of her doing this project in his memory…A special tribute you could say. He had something to do with educating others.

Sooo this is something I appreciate when I see or hear that someone is reminded of my sweet son.

It is just a shame that he is not here and you don’t ever settle for this harsh reality you just have no choice but to live with it.

I look at his pictures and I go back to that day and those approximately 17 hours that we had together. I am reminded of the fact that my son died in my arms and that I dwelled all day long on the fact that I would have to say goodbye and go home without him… I feel the memory while I see it in my head. I can’t help but notice the great resemblance between him and Drayton and it is so hard to look at his photo and be left to wonder what he would look like now…While I ponder this in my head I look over at a newborn pic of Drayton and a recent one and see such a tremendous difference that it would be impossible for me to guess what he might look like if he were here with us now.

When I stare at his photos I just feel so many things…While I am sad I am in disbelief that he really did die. It is so unsettling and just feels so impossible.

I feel a great loss and sadness for Drayton…He loves his brother so much and all he knows about a brotherly relationship is through pictures and kisses. He won’t ever get to physically know him and grow up with him. It just isn’t fair! It is just so sad!

There are no words powerul enough to describe how it feels to feel so many emotions.

I honestly don’t know where I am going with this blog. I will never understand and it is not something you move on from. You just learn how to go on something you can’t imagine doing when it is so fresh but something you do for your child and yourself and future children.

Thank god I didn’t give up on life…Little did I know it would be so wonderful eventually. How could you imagine that being possible when your child dies…You don’t think of a future you just function to the best of your ability and then in my case 6 months later discovered I was carrying another life and was just soooo excited and soo thankful and soo ready to be a mommy to this sweet new little life inside of me that I made a choice to start smiling again… I was overjoyed.

Soooo while I am the happiest person in the world I carry a very sad reality with me…A reality I can’t change and I can’t help but feel some anger that such losses exist. My two boys should be playing together learning together and growing together and when I see other siblings and such it is so bittersweet.

Welll it doesn’t change things when you dwell and I am kind of rambling on now. I have paused this blog several times to put Drayton to bed. While I rocked him I was reminded that he wore his little brother shirt today. I also looked into his eyes while he drifted of to sleep and wondered if in the distance of his stare could he see his angel…He always looks over my shoulder and I wonder if his angel is looking back at him. I tried to look into the glow in ihis eyes to see if there was a reflection of anything but it was too dark in the room.

I can only hope that somehow he does surround us..That somehow Drayton can see him because they say children are so innocent and pure and have more awareness than we do. I just hope that Corbin sees how much love Drayton has for him. I still wonder what goes on in his mind. He knows something.

I love my boys so very much. Because of my loss I more than most appreciate what I do have and really appreciate every moment. It is hard not to have racing thoughts when you have been through such a tragedy. I worry that if I dwell on my loss I will appear ungrateful for what I do have…although it is ridiculous I worry anyway. I don’t waste time focusing on it cause I can’t change it and I don’t want it to take away from the joys but still while I balance it all I ponder it in my head. I take myself back to that day and relive it…. I don’t know how I handed him away that day…It is soo unreal that this really happened if you will cause when people say to me I don’t know how you do it or did it or whatever people muster up I too am wondering rightalong with them how I survived it also…I am sooo happy that I did and that he gave me the strength to carry on…When I thought life was over I realized it hadn’t even begun.

I feel so priviledged for the opportunity I got to be a mommy to two precious boys and there aren’t enough hours in the day to appreciate to the lengths that I do…I just stare at my boy all day long and am so thankful for him and for his angel brother that watches over us.