ForDrayton.com

I strive to be the very best mom that I can be.  I have a huge heart and I want to continue to mold my son into an admirable young man.  I understand that children are exposed to many things in this world from different environments to exposure to different behaviors and what they are taught isn’t always what they will witness others being taught.

I tend to ramble but soo much needs to be said here so I will do my best to stay on track. 

My little boy doesn’t have a mean streak in him.  He is not wired that way THANKFULLY.  He has not ever once bullied another child not ever once.  He is learning for himself that other children don’t always act as kindly as he does. While it really bothers me to see this we together are experiencing this journey together.

My little boy is the sweetest little boy I know.  He is very generous, very sensitive and very bright.  We don’t tolerate anything other than kindness and fairness in our home.

Drayton is like all other kids his age learning how to share and how to play with other children.  Unfortuantely he gets pushed around alot more than he should and I understand that as his mom I need to protect him but at the same time I need to give him his space to handle his own situations.  I don’t tolerate nasty behavior so it has been a struggle to see him get bullied by someone and then not be allowed to act the same way back.  I always tell him what a good friend he is and how kind he is.  When he does get pushed around I tell him that the other said child didn’t mean it and that he handled himself well.

Twice now in his two years he has given a gentle nudge back to others that push him around and even still I have spoken up to say that it is not necessary to react and well we move on.

I notice he is much nicer to “MOST” of the children he plays with.  While people may not like to read this I am writing it for my own sake and can’t worry myself with others and their reactions to my pointing out the very obvious differences in how he is treated and how he treats others.

I praise Drayton all day long for being gentle and sweet and for being aware of people around him and I feel like I have done an outstanding job so far because he is a remarkable little boy.  He is soo charming and soo loving.

I am not saying that all children are naughty and that mine is better than everyone and if someone that reads this takes it that way I am sorry but I just keep it real!  I realize every parent has their own beliefs on how to best address certain situations and how to interact with their children about their said behaviors.

I am just soo thankful  to be the parent of the little guy who is all around very well behaved and very kind to all others.

I can’t shelter him from everything bad in the world but what I can do is speak to him and point out what behaviors I tolerate and what behaviors I do not tolerate.  I find myself upset alot that he doesn’t get treated the way he treats others and that it is few and far between when he is treated like he treats others.  Iam sure my opinions will leave people angry at me as if to say I am cutting down their parenting or their childrens behaviors and in a way Iguess I can see how it comes off this way and I do not intend to cut anyone down but I also don’t intend to go without saying anything and that is why I blog.  I hope he will look back on all of this one day and see how much attention I put into being the best mommy and best friend to him.  I love this quote…”what we look for and value in our friends are the very same qualities we are most proud of or wish were more evident in ourselves.”  With that being said I can only hope people see that it isn’t about them it’s about my situtation and so I will express things as I feel need be and as constructively as I possibly can and can only hope that I can teach others to strive to achieve the same thing I am and that is a well rounded happy and well treated child.

We all know some more than others how unfair things in life can be from time to time.

I believe that people make tooooo many excuses for their childrens poor behavior.  I believe people think that a toddler is too young to understand right from wrong and I strongly disagree.  I say this cause people don’t react the way they should far too often and to me it is unfair to my child.

Not only is my child very bright but so are most of the children he encounters.  Children are like sponges they ABSORB everything! Good and Bad!

It is up to us to teach them inbetween all the soaking up that they do what is ok and what is not ok.  how ever one chooses to do so is fine but a lack of doing soo can have a negative effect on the parents like myself that spend a great deal of one on one time with their child teaching behaviors and just teaching positve things of all kinds.

Ok guess I should make some examples…

I have noticed recently that making friends is hard for adults and for children to some degree when you feel like you have to be picky like I feel I have to be.

You may like the parent but the child may be a terror making it a no win friendship.  You may find yourself liking the child and disliking the parent which also makes a friendship trying.  Who wants to hang around someone they have nothing in common with?

Well I love to be around my son and since he is still a baby I have to make friends that are healthy for the both of us.  I understand that one day he will have to be his own best judge but I want to help him now how to look for good qualities in order to have  good quality friendships.

People may think of me as an over thinker and may not want to be my friend but I can assure you they want my son to be a friend of their childs because I work so hard to instill great things great behavior and awareness.  My little boy is a very desireable little friend that anyone would be proud to have in their life and any parent would be proud to havearound their child and I think he deserves the same.

I think that EVERY behavior is a learned behavior.  people sayd thing like oh he is teething or he is tired or he is going through a phaze.  Well it is all learned behaivior.  Whether they are learnging from their parents or their surroundings they are still little sponges learning from every single person they come in contact with.

What behaviors has my son soaked up that I dislike you may ask, well finally I am getting to the point of this particular blog.

A couple days ago we went out to eat.  Drayton always attracts positive attention to himself for being soo polite and charming and soooo very well behaved at home and in public settings.

We were at outback for dinner and like a little prince he sat and ate his dinner and was soooo well behaved.

The entire time we were their he was witnessing a little boy at the table next to us behaving soo terribly.  Screaming crying and thrashing around in his chair.  His parents were not thrilled but made no effort to talk to him they were more annoyed with how it bothered them.  the grandma was being short with him and cutting down his mother for her lack of disciplining when she went to the restroom.  When she returned she gave him to his father and said you deal with him and all he wanted was his momma well the point is the kid was a terror and his parents made no effort to work with him or remove him from the restauarant out of respect for others around them that may not want to have their kids exposed to that awful behavior.

They sat there for wayyy too long when they should have left and tended to their child that was desperate obviously to go to sleep.

Drayton pointed out that that baby was naughty and right he was.  We told him that he was correct in his observation and that we thank him for not behaving that way.

Another example. At the lil Gym last week Drayton witnessed a tantrum from a little girl that was completely out of control.  I wasdisgusted at the mom for her lack of concern for all of us around her.  I understand that the best medicine sometimes is to tune them out and let them work it out on their own but you need to remove them from the classroom or group that they are disrupting and you need to ignore them in your own space like your car or your home.  This particular parent proceeded to chat amongst the other moms while the child lay on the floor screaming bloody murder and with no pause.  Drayton was very concerned about her.  why she was soo upset and what the hell was going on.  He hadn’t a clue what to think.  I told him she was being naughty and again how thankful I was that he was not behaving poorly like she was.

Sooo with these little tastes you see that every behavior is a learned behavior..If they can learn a bad behavior than you the parent should strive to unlearn it to em and not just make excuses for them.

This brings me to my point for todays blog.

Last night Drayton decided to throw a little fit in a restaurant and while we told him he was being naughty he disregarded us in an effort to see where it would take him.  Well we left and went home.  I will not force other people to listen to my child throwing a fit big or small and it was small but we left to spare our surroundings having to hear him squeal.

Today was his first day since last weeks graduation from lil gym…It is a new semester new friends and new impressions.

Well when it came time to put the balls away he melted down.  I didn’t give him any choice in the matter and told him to straighten up his act or we would leave.  I gave him a whole minute if that and he refused to put the ball away so we removed ourselves from the class so that not to be disruptive to the others.  I tried to talk it out with him in the hall and by the car and he refused to calm down so we grabbed our things and proceeded to leave.

The teacher stepped out and said no worries they all have their moments and its no problem..I responded that I don’t care what other children get away with mine will not get away with being deisruptive and we will not benefit from poor behavior.

We went straight home.  He screamed the whole way to his crib where I let him cry it out.  He was soo angry about that ball.  I tried to talk it out with him twice but he was not ready.  Finally he calmed completely down and told me he was all better.  He was not crying at all at this point so I got him out of the crib and hugged him.  I thanked him for calming down while also explaining that I did not appreciate that naughty behavior and would like an apology.  He said sorry mommy.  I said what are you sorry for?  I then said are you sorry for being naughty?  He knew very well what we were talking about.  I told him that if he wanted to attend classes next week he could not act that way again or we would leave again.  He hopefully realizes that he did not benfit at all from his poor behavior choice.  It was no fun to give up the ball no but then to go straight home to his room was no fun either.  I called to apologize for his disruption and explained that while she said it was ok it just wasn’t ok for me that he behave that way.  He knows better!

They are alot smarter than some give them credit for.  I can only hope next week he makes a better choice…While he may have learned himself some new behaviors from others he will learn quickly that those behaviors don’t benefit him.

I am not a spanker…Iresort to different things like other moms may resort to different things as well.  I just want to tech my child the very best always and make no excuses in the meantime.

I know they are entitled to bad moods or just a bad day but still there are limits and I set mine and can only hope others will see my intentions are only the best.  I know that he will be exposed to all these different behaviors when he is in school some day and he will be on his own to judge right from wrong.  I just know that I am dong my best now to teach him right from wrong and I can only hope that he uses the best judgement and surrounds himsself with good people and positive environments as he grows older and more independant.

It would be soo nice if all parents worried about the same things as it relates to raising their kds but I accept that there will always be differences in beliefs and opinions…I just do what I have to do cause I know I have a well rounded and very capable little boy that everyone likes and I want to keep it that way.  I want him to be a good example.

Lucky for us he is almost 20 months old and he has yet to have a temp until lastnight when I went to lay down…

First of all yesterday was a little diferent for him…He was content as always but he did not have more than one or two wet diapers…We had gone to Incredible Pizza Company the day before and while I tried not to be tooo over the top ocd about germs and let him enjoy his time I knew in the back of my head that he would likely get sick for the first time after I saw him put his finger in his mouth a couple times before having washed them…

Sooo, lastnight he woke up several times from when he went to bed to when I went to lay with him at about 1am.

This was unusual and I just wondered if he was having a bad dream but like always I went for my routine kiss to the head and it burned my lips…I was immediately concerned but just thought to myself be calm maybe he is just warm so I took off his pants.

A little while passed and he was really hot all over and was stirring around clearly sleeping restlessly and I started to panic a little…

I did a rectal temp since that is all I have still.

It read 102.5 and of course my heart dropped into my stomach and I was literally shaking and just trying to be calm for him but shaking out of control while I called the doctors office to inform them and have them inform me of what to do next…

While waiting for a call I got a cool rag and placed it on his head…

His heart was RACING in his chest and this scared me more than anything…

The doctor inally called and comforted me some telling me to give him tylenol every 4 hours and to just monintor him for now and that unless it reached 104 not to go to the ER where he would inevitably be exposed to more…

THANKFULLY at 2:30 am when I checked his temp again after having given his first dose of tylenol his temp dropped to 101.7

I kept the rag down by his feet while he slept and up by his head trying to cool him off and just after 3am went to sleep beside him and hoped for the best while worrying about all the worst naturally.

This morning he woke up happy as always… He heard an airplane and was telling me about it and then asked me to please turn on the tv…He is sooo sweet.

I checked his temp again and it was 100.7 this morning…I gave him more tylenol and he is up playing and happy and I am just soo thankful that it did not get worse and hopeful that he keeps getting better from here…

He will be 20 months old in a few days and he has avoided illness this long…I knew there would come a day he like any child would get sick but I was not prepared for how it would freak me out soooo badly…I was sooo scared and still am nervous about it…

I love my baby soo much.

On thursday which was yesterday 7-23-2009 Drayton attended his regular Thursday class at the Little Gym with his fellow “Birds” as they are called…

Afterward we headed to the mall for some lunch and to pick up my pictures:)) and to exchanfe a pair of crop pants that I had gotten there for a different size…

Anyways, after having some lunch I took Drayton on the carousel he had so much fun.

We usually sit in the food court beside the carousel when we have lunch dates with Brandi and her kids and the kids enjoy watching…

After we were done at the mall we headed to the car in his stroller.

When we got to the car I opened the passenger side to start the car and AIR…Sooooo damn hot here the car is like a sauna. I bend over to unbuckle him and pick him right up out of the stroller straight up and forhead first into the METAL corner of the cars door…

OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME????? It broke my heart instantly when he raised his little hands to his head while making THE SADDEST face ever and began to cry.

I cried pretty bad and was telling him “Momma is soooo sorry” while crying and kissing him better…I know it hurt and it INSTANTLY dented his forhead in and was instantly black and purple…

He is such a tough little guy I tell ya…I cried more than he did but I know it hurt he is just sooo strong.

Soooo I of course dwelled on this incident for the remainder of the day into today…Just feeling soo bad about this and periodically kissing his sweet little forhead where he has a little cone bump.

This afternoon Friday 7-24-2009 Blake Drayton and I went to IncrediblePizza Company with Brandi Kevin Londyn and Taylor…It was sooo much fun and we played alot and road the go carts…

In the little playland area for toddlers where we started our adventure…..( I brought a clorox wipe and wiped off some of the little rides and then gave up and just made myself relax and kept hand sanitizer handy)

In this section there was a gated area where there was a helicopter to ride…Why it was gated off is beyond me but it was so we went in and on our way out rather than open all the way like a normal metal gate it came to a stop and slammed SOOOOOO HARD into the side of his head…THE METAL GATE:(((.

He didn’t even cry but it was ridiculously heavey and hard and I just feel soo dumn and soooo guilty…I hope he knows that I did not intentionally do these things I feel sooo bad for the little fella.

I also feel clumsy for not being more aware of the stupid gate….ughhhhh!!!

I took pictures today and there is one with his little purple mark…Soooo sad.

Welll it was a great day and Drayton had lots of fun with his friends.

That wraps up this little update for now.

Well I am behind on my jouirnal entries…In the past weeks Drayton has really grown up alot…He communicates alot more.

He knows where his friend Tay Tay and Londyn live…When we are on the road and we are nearing the intersection where they live he says Tay Tay just about every time…It is amazing how smart he is…

When we are about to go out somewhere for errands or what have you I will say ok we are about to go to the store for instance and he quickly starts rounding up his favorite cars and tucks them under his chin and so on so he can get as many as possible without dropping any of them.

He and his new kitty Kuiper Ophelia are really liking each other alot…She stays right with him throughout the day like a loyal little comapnion should…He is ver good at being gentle but still has his moments that concern me like earlier when he carried her in here and I think he was cutting of her airway….Poor kitty…He sometimes tests me and will grab at her roughly…But for the most part he is very gentle…Today I was picking up around here and he was in the other room for a moment and when I discovered him he was watching up close and personal while Kuiper went potty in the litter box and sure enough he had his hands in there uh ohhh.  We did a good hand washing and I explained to him this was a noo nooo hope he understands.

Went out for dinner with a friend and her kids…Tay Tay and Londyn,,,Drayton was very well behaved:)) Always a pleasure to see him be such a gentlemen…

My stomach problems are still driving me insane…

On top of all that my relationship with Blake has come to a halt,,,I was left no other choice it seemed last week but to ask him for some space…

He needs to get his priorities in order and it appears he has no intention to do so anytime soon and sadly I am concerned for the irreversible damage it may do to our relationship…I need him to take responsibilty for some things and make certain situations right and he has expressed that he is not willing to do so…It is very disapointing and while I don’t want to throw him entirely under the bus I feel like it is important to get some feedback once in a while…

I am concerned about his choices and about his desire to be a good role model for our son and it is very important to me that our son not be subject to a negative atmosphere where his parents do nothing but biquer…It seems like in the recent months this is what we do most when we are together and I was not willing to continue on this path…

I have lots of feelings about this subject and getting it on paper is always helpful but I have been going over it all in my mind soo often that I am going ot be vague for now because I have no desire at this point to waste any more thought on it if I can help myself for now…

I feel like he has this potential to get back to being a responsible parent with his head on straight but I feel like he has grown accustomed to his new lifestyle of compulsive spending and well I am feeling bitter about the whole subject and how it is having an effect on our child…

I expect more from him and I feel like I was enabling him to be someone that he should not be by continuing to let it go every time he spent spent spent…..

Today was Michael Jacksons The King Of Pop’s funeral…It was live on the tube and of course I tuned in and so did Drayton at times when we danced to the music…

I love the song “SMILE”

ok….Looking forward to a trip in Oct to see my bestie Selina…Drayton and I will have such a great time.

What else is new…

Drayton is most fond still of cars…

He is an avid reader and an amazing artist…I have a wonderful collection of his drawings that I admire…I keep all his artwork.

He says go go go and he says many other words…

We spent the 4th of July with one of my childhood friends Catherine Fee and her family…Drayton went for his first boat ride and was a good sport he loved it…He was not fond of wearing his life jacket though…

We went to watch fireworks on the boat although there was not the best show Drayton was more interested in the moon and it was pretty cute to watch as he pointed and said moon…

When I sing twinkle twinkle little star he points up at the sky every time and I honestly have no idea how he knew to associate stars and the sky…He just did on his very own.

He tells you his name when you ask him and it comes out very clear…He still spells his name D

He loves to count to five when you ask him he says 3…

Brushing his teeth is a power struggle…He insists on doing it himself and I have to help him out but he hates when I do.

Everyone comments on what a well behaved little man he is….

Speaking of little he is 19 months old and still weighs 18.8 pounds…  Tiny lil sweet lil fella…

ok my phone just rang and it is my friend Lacey so I will continue at another time…..

Blake did not apreciate his Fathers Day Gifts at all…Two Astros tees and a pair of Astros p.j bottoms…If it’s not some expensive electronic it’s not good enough for Blake.

I made stufed french toast…He is just being such a jerk. Today is Sunday his only day off and I have caught myself wishing it were Monday again so that I can be away from negativity and hostility to then have it be Monday and just wish he were home…BUT WHY??? Why the hell can’t I make up my mind in general about what is right and wrong for me and my son.

While I know that it is terrible for us to bicker in front of Drayton I also know how sad it would be if he didn’t get to see his daddy everyday and I have no control of Blakes mouth and not even of my own 100% of the time so it seems there is always tension in the air between the two of us and I hate for Drayton to see any unhappiness…I know I can’t protect him from everything but I need to do my best…I need to be the best role model that I can be and so does his father.

I just think that Blake and I are on totally different pages in life and I hate to see there ever be an impact on our child.

He would prefer to have us together but he deserves better than to hear the two of us always bickering.

WHAT THE HELL DO I DO????

Sure I know the answer and that is to just stop the bickering but it doesn’t ever stop.

I don’t fully blame Blake but I do blame his less than big efforts.

Is life a constant wondering what is the right thing to do? No. Because some people have it all together and their children are exposed to only happiness and bliss.

I care more about Drayton that I do about anything or anyone in this world.

I wish we could have a perfect family life together but I have lots of issues and so does Blake and I don’t know what to do to make right of our situation immediately and I find myself sad that rather than just roll in the joys I am worrying all the time about rights and wrongs.

Wouldn’t it be great if thoughts could be directly imported once they are thought up onto paper through some sort of technology???

Save having to reitterate through blogging.

I wonder if anyone thinks and worries to the degree that I do…I can think about several things and worry about each of them all at once…I am at work full time in my thoughts and as crazy as it sounds it’s my situation…

I just want to be the best mom and I want to do things right the first time and not have regrets…I don’t want to wonder what is right all the time I WANT TO KNOW WHAT IS RIGHT AND DO IT!

Well I am going to pause my blog now because Blake is yappin at me while I am trying to type so there goes the focus.

My mom is on her way over and that is another story….

She is not as punctual as I like to be and I get annoyed with that…It was a nice visit we had good conversation and she and Drayton played alot.

6-22-09

I signed Drayton up for swimming lessons. They were supposed to start last week. I called to confirm and they mentioned they bumped it up a week…We were soo excited I had been telling Drayton about it for some time now.

Called today to confirm and he was never put on the schedule…

I was really pissed and now have to find somewhere else.

It is soooo hot here during the summer so we don’t go outside as often lately…It’s just mieserable out there so I am trying to get him involved in other activities so that he has good social interaction.

Oh as for words said…I haven’t been logging words as they come out these days but in the past few weeks his vocab has consisted of his famous word car of course and baby he says Tay Tay all the time for his friend Taylor.

He says boat quite often now and Mimi…He says broke too a word he learned from his friend Caleb.

He also says bug.

He fell asleep or should I say read himself to sleep this early afternoon when I was taking a shower…I snapped some pics and got a video it was soo precious. He is such a good little baby.

It is 5:53pm and I am going to pause this blog entry again…He is playing with his 18 wheeler but is becoming frustrated with it so I better help the lil fella out:)

I put a puppet on my hand and asked Drayton what is name is and sure enough he said “Drayton”. I am sooo proud.

I just got back from laying him down for bed…

There have been many pauses in this blog I am using it as a go back and forth and make note sorta blog today…It is 11:05pm

He fell asleep in my arms with his head in the crease of my elbow and his butt in my hand…We were curled up and cuddled so sweetly together and it was then I decided I would like to have a photo of us like this so I can have it turned into a drawing or an oil painting…That would be soo wonderful and meaningful to have.

My colonoscopy and EGD is in two days and I am nervous…..I hate anxiety!

I am worried about it alot but am trying my best to be positive. I just hope all is well in my body and that it’s just a matter of needing to change my diet or something…

I better not stear over to this subject it really is stressful to have so much worry and anxiety inside.

I will be letting Granny down the street whom Drayton really admires watch him over here at our house for like 20-30 minutes while Blake drops me off on Thursday and then she will come back over while he is off picking me up.

I GUESS IT WASN’T LOST AFTERALL SOOO HERE IS MY BLOG BEFORE I THOUGHT I LOST IT LOL

I am a experiencing some emotions tonight that I feel like notating.

I think I should just write as often as I can  for the sake of having a great journal to look back on.

Drayton is 18 months old

Yesterday Tuesday the ninth of June he had his first taste of soda.

If I had it my way he wouldn’t have that first taste for sa many years as I could possibly go along with it.

Reason being it is very addictive and an unhealthy addiction FULL OF SUGAR.  I know that in my adult years I am over consumed it and am just glad that I didn’t have it as often as some people allow it in their children.

Some people are giving it to their kids in bottles for godsakes.  If you are giving soda to a child you need to just slap yourself there is just no sense in it.

I let my son infulge in sweet things such as cookies and ice cream and the occasional piece of candy.  He loves chocoalte.  He has enough sweets in a day with all of these things that soda is just insane

Alright so I just typed a ew paragraphs…My mind was at work with what to say and then my internet connection was lost and so was my blog…This needs to be a lesson to me that I need to begin my blogs in wordpad and then copy them to other locations after having saved em…Sooooo yes there are some lost goods out there…my long lost blog=)

yesterday on Wedneday June 9th Drayton had his first taste of soda and while I know that he probably enjoyed it I can’t help but feel a need to express my opinion on the subject…

I thought it would be cute to notate his first taste and hopefully his last taste of it for many many years…I say this for a number of reasons. First of all I know that we are exposed to a multitude of unhealthy experiences but as his momma I feel responsible for helping him to desire healthier things and not desire to consume waste.

It is pure SUGAR and it is also very addictive( soda) is…

I am sure I did not drink it too often while I was a little child but from I do remember that when I was an age lets say 13 or 14 I started treating myself to these beverages more freely and by the time I was married we were consuming several cans of soda per day.

Sooo most people don’t dwell on things like this but leave it to me to.

Those people who give it to their babies in bottles or even at all should give themselves a slap as it is just senseless to give them anything less than good for them.

With everything made today there is enough sugar and junk that overexposure is just not healthy.

I feel like I can spare him from having teeth problems and other problems that come from these addictive beverages and that is why when he points for a sip I don’t feel the least bit guilty telling him no its yucky.

I am aware that I can’t protect him from everything but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try.

I feel like we expose ourselves to enough unhealthy experiences in life just naturally so and well I will do my very best to help him understand that soda and junk food are unhealthy and have no benfits other than temporary ones.

I want him to be at an age where he can understand that it can be enjoyed as a treat once in a while but shouldn’t be abused…

I thinkmy first blog was worded better but anyways like any bad addictive thing you should be at an age where you can make that choice for yourself and understand the consequences before going forth and ………..

I just get soo annoyed when I think of parents that allow there kids to nurse a soda. I remember being soo young and sucking it through the barely open crack or hole I would punch in the can.

Now I may come across as overly neurotic to some I want to note that I let my son indulge in sweet stuff such as cookies icecream and an occasional piece of candy…All things that are not beneficial to good health but all good treats.

I don’t want him to sheltered from everything just want to elimainate introducing things that can be harmful to our health and addictive. Things that have no benefits outside of mental ones.

Soooo to the best of my ability I will keep him from having another taste for as long as I can.

I had made the mistake of putting a can in the window sill behind me on the couch while I was watching a tv show and talking on the phone.Drayton was beside me on the couch being quiet and I look over and he had the can perfectly in his hands sippin on the orange soda.

He had spilt it all down the couch while pulling it down from the window.

I just thought this was a cute story and while I know he will likely indulge in this treat again as he gets older I can be at peace and know that I kept him from over consuming it.

Today is Friday 6-5-2009.  I am wathcin a friend of ours’ son Caleb…Drayton’s very first friend.  Sooo yes I have two one year olds today one a bear the other a little cub…Caleb is such a big boy.  The two of them play so well together and are being very good boys…

I would love to have him over more often but Amanda works in Houston by her house and she is working out here ironically on our street for a couple days.

They have the same orange umbrella stroller as we have and I had the bright idea of taking three tube socks and tying the two together to make a double stroller.

I lined up the wheels and yes it was a bit hard to master but we managed well and we went down the road to visit our new little granny friend.  The boys played on the riding mower and ran around her garage and driveway area.  They played with Weeble (fox terrier) and T.C the tom cat hence the name.

Then back in the stroller they went and we headed back to the house where I set up a little gated area full of toys and watched as they played and got in and played a little too.

I of course took a ton of pictures.

We came in for another snack and then both little sweeties went down for a nap with no problems at all…SUCH GOOD BABIES.

I am hungry just had a handfull of chips just enough to get me going and just realized I orgot my deli meat at the counter…The lady was takin a while so I went to look at the produce and forgot oops.

Soooo no sandwhich for this girl maybe some chicken fried rice I have left over.

Caleb is awake just laying there resting so quietly snuggled up in his blanket.  He likes it over here.

Cocktails today when Amanda comes over I think…  Yummy…I have my special recipe and they are sooo yummy.

ok so I feel a little nutty…I write and it makes me feel better usually and I feel like I have accomplished something when I write.  This time I feel like it turned into a no sense making ramble…I don’t feel any better after writing it..I just am not at peace with the fact that Corbin died.  I could never be…I am soo happy for what I do have and it’s just crazy to live on two extremes like this…I hate racing thoughts and sometimes they really do consume me like I mention in my about me…Blake tells me I am insane and I guess he is right…It doesn’t make me a bad person I am just full of thoughts…It’s tiring sometimes to be so overloaded with worry and thoughts about things I have no control over.  I need to try and focus on relaxing my mind once in a while.   I just had to come jot a little more cause  I felt like my blog was incomplete.

I guess I just dwell on what I can’t come to understand and accept.  I always wonder if something could have been done diferently that would result in him being here and living a normal life.  I just hope that since he did die it was because he needed to not because someone failed to react accordingly…I hope that he just knew somehow that he would not have a good quality of life and that it would be to hard a battle to continue to fight and tha the needed a rest.  If I knew that he was really unable to live with a tripled 9th chromosome if I knew for a fact I would have no choice but to just accept I guess but since they didn’t know a thing about it being how extremely rare it is it makes it hareder to come to terms with.

Anyways…I hate feeling guilty when sometimes I need to show my sadness.  I think it is crazy that anyone have to balance two extremes but I am not alone infact one of my closest friends lost her son too and we both have each other to lean on.

I need to just stop writing…Atleast for right now.

This morning I put the sand in Drayton’s new sandbox…We went for a short walk and when we returned we played in the sandbox. We had so much fun.

At some point before leaving to run grocery errands I asked him to go down the hall to the kitchen from our bedroom where his basket of shoes sits…I told him to grab his gray and blue velcro sandals so that we could go to the store.

He did EXACTLY what I asked of him.

He brought me back one shoe =)

In the mornings when I ask him if he wants to brush his teeth he sits down on the kitchen floor and says teeth and gets super excited.

Today while at the grocery store he noticed the balloons by the registers as we were headed down an aisle. I went up to the balloon lady and she filled one up for him. It was blue with a blue string.

Just yesterday when we were at toysrus the cashier gave him a mylar balloon. He played with it in the car and after he got this second one we came home and sent them to his brother in heaven.

Today would be the first time he would really understand what he was doing. I told him we were sendign it to brother in heaven. We watched as the mylar one got caught up in the tree (it said happy b-day anyway and it wasn’t Corbin nor Drayton’s b-day so maybe it is gonna stay in the tree) We watched as the blue one floated across the sky towards heaven.

Speaking of Corbin, I have been thinking and talking about him more recently than I have in some months. Don’t get me wrong I talk about him every day in some way like when we say goodnight to him (Blake and I) or when Drayton is poiting at his pic and wanting to kiss it.

Since I have had Drayton I have drastically changed how much I get emotional. I will always be sad but I am soo happy the same to have his precious brother here and I balance my emotions quite well and focus more I think on being grateful for the fact that I was blessed with this sweet angel Corbin and that I got to know him some and that rather then not ever have gotten to know I got to and that is better than not having had that precious chance.

Sooo while I am very happy and present myself perhaps as though I’ve moved on I could not do such a thing it’s unthinkable.

People appear to others one way but this can be rather different then what is really there.

Nobody ever mentions Corbin outside of Blake and Drayton and the kids sometimes. Sometimes I feel like people have forgotten about him all together which really saddens me.

I feel strongly that since he fought so hard to be here and passed away that his memory should be honored not only by his parents and siblings but by friends and family to some degree. By this I mean the occasional mentioning his name somehow…This is something the children in my family do well. As a matter of fact my niece Madison mentioned to me that she did a report for school and the objective was to focus on something that was personal to the student. Well Madi did her report on Corbin and Trisomy 9..Through our experience she educated other peers on the reality of birth defects something that I was never made aware of in my childhood.

Something that should be talked more about.

Well anyways…This meant soo much to me to hear of her doing this project in his memory…A special tribute you could say. He had something to do with educating others.

Sooo this is something I appreciate when I see or hear that someone is reminded of my sweet son.

It is just a shame that he is not here and you don’t ever settle for this harsh reality you just have no choice but to live with it.

I look at his pictures and I go back to that day and those approximately 17 hours that we had together. I am reminded of the fact that my son died in my arms and that I dwelled all day long on the fact that I would have to say goodbye and go home without him… I feel the memory while I see it in my head. I can’t help but notice the great resemblance between him and Drayton and it is so hard to look at his photo and be left to wonder what he would look like now…While I ponder this in my head I look over at a newborn pic of Drayton and a recent one and see such a tremendous difference that it would be impossible for me to guess what he might look like if he were here with us now.

When I stare at his photos I just feel so many things…While I am sad I am in disbelief that he really did die. It is so unsettling and just feels so impossible.

I feel a great loss and sadness for Drayton…He loves his brother so much and all he knows about a brotherly relationship is through pictures and kisses. He won’t ever get to physically know him and grow up with him. It just isn’t fair! It is just so sad!

There are no words powerul enough to describe how it feels to feel so many emotions.

I honestly don’t know where I am going with this blog. I will never understand and it is not something you move on from. You just learn how to go on something you can’t imagine doing when it is so fresh but something you do for your child and yourself and future children.

Thank god I didn’t give up on life…Little did I know it would be so wonderful eventually. How could you imagine that being possible when your child dies…You don’t think of a future you just function to the best of your ability and then in my case 6 months later discovered I was carrying another life and was just soooo excited and soo thankful and soo ready to be a mommy to this sweet new little life inside of me that I made a choice to start smiling again… I was overjoyed.

Soooo while I am the happiest person in the world I carry a very sad reality with me…A reality I can’t change and I can’t help but feel some anger that such losses exist. My two boys should be playing together learning together and growing together and when I see other siblings and such it is so bittersweet.

Welll it doesn’t change things when you dwell and I am kind of rambling on now. I have paused this blog several times to put Drayton to bed. While I rocked him I was reminded that he wore his little brother shirt today. I also looked into his eyes while he drifted of to sleep and wondered if in the distance of his stare could he see his angel…He always looks over my shoulder and I wonder if his angel is looking back at him. I tried to look into the glow in ihis eyes to see if there was a reflection of anything but it was too dark in the room.

I can only hope that somehow he does surround us..That somehow Drayton can see him because they say children are so innocent and pure and have more awareness than we do. I just hope that Corbin sees how much love Drayton has for him. I still wonder what goes on in his mind. He knows something.

I love my boys so very much. Because of my loss I more than most appreciate what I do have and really appreciate every moment. It is hard not to have racing thoughts when you have been through such a tragedy. I worry that if I dwell on my loss I will appear ungrateful for what I do have…although it is ridiculous I worry anyway. I don’t waste time focusing on it cause I can’t change it and I don’t want it to take away from the joys but still while I balance it all I ponder it in my head. I take myself back to that day and relive it…. I don’t know how I handed him away that day…It is soo unreal that this really happened if you will cause when people say to me I don’t know how you do it or did it or whatever people muster up I too am wondering rightalong with them how I survived it also…I am sooo happy that I did and that he gave me the strength to carry on…When I thought life was over I realized it hadn’t even begun.

I feel so priviledged for the opportunity I got to be a mommy to two precious boys and there aren’t enough hours in the day to appreciate to the lengths that I do…I just stare at my boy all day long and am so thankful for him and for his angel brother that watches over us.